She thinks, “Hey, how did I come to this?

I dream myself a thousand times around the world,

but I can’t get out of this place” …

She feels like kicking out all the windows

and setting fire to this life. 

She could change everything about her

using colors bold and bright,

but all the colors mix together – to grey. 

And it breaks her heart …

                                — Dave Matthews Band

Amazing how a song can capture a moment, a fleeting feeling.  Unfortunately, this feeling isn’t fleeting.  It has hunkered down and kicked up its feet in the easy chair of my mind with no apparent intention of leaving.

I feel stuck.  Not miserably unhappy, not depressed, not desperate … just stuck.  I know that I have made poor choices … or actually let decisions make themselves.  Now they have to be unmade.  I know this is not what I want.  I know that after waiting all this time I deserve better. 

I miss companionship.  I miss someone actually caring about how my day went, someone who will not only ask the question but also listen to the answer.  I miss the silly rituals and traditions of a relationship.  I miss all the little things.  I miss having that person who I know is my safe place, and I miss being that safe place for someone else.  Somehow I have endured in a relationship devoid of all of this … for a year and a half.  And I find myself asking, “Why?”

I guess it’s time to start kicking out some windows …

“I’ve had a wonderful time, but this wasn’t it.” — Groucho Marx