Happens every time … I start out cleaning and end up sitting on the
floor surrounded by old photos, letters, essays, ticket stubs … the
wonderful debris of memory. And then, of course, I don’t get
anything done. 
It’s so easy to get lost in nostalgia; the great thing about memories
is that you can choose which ones to revisit. Naturally, I choose
the most wonderful ones and then a couple hours later rouse myself to
discover that the reality of my dusty den and sink full of dishes is
quite disappointing in comparison. 
I really should leave the skeletons in the closet; they have far too
much power over me. The attraction of living in the past is
hard to resist, especially when so many people I miss are there
waiting. What I’ve found, though, is that most often the person
I’m
looking for on these walks down memory lane is myself.
It’s so interesting to see through the eyes of the person I am now the
person I once was. What I most often end up concluding is that I’ve
always been my own worst critic. Rereading old essays fifteen years
later, I discover that they’re much better than I thought they were
when I was struggling through a third or fourth draft trying just to
make them passable. Looking at old pictures, I see
that I wasn’t as chubby or as dorky as I felt at the time they were
taken. It gives me hope that maybe, just maybe, I’m somehow a
better person now than I’m giving myself credit for … that perhaps
when I look back at this time ten or twenty years from now I’ll
discover that all the things I criticized myself for weren’t as serious
as I made them out to be.
One can hope …
Quote of the Day:
“Looking
back you realize that a very special person passed briefly through your
life — and it was you. It is not too late to find that person
again.”
–Robert Brault
Poisoned by Fairy Tales 
boy did they fall through..okay the real deal is this..i had a huge date with guy i have been corresponding with since last fall..yeh he wanted to date me some time back…but i thought no..he probably just want sex..well okay yeh that too…but after time we still talk and through it all i really like him and figure okay we can date…so after 2 mishaps of getting together …today was suppose to be the day i went to new york and met a friend on line i never met before but talk to really nice girl who was going to show me the subway system and how to use it..and then of course today is tax day the last day..and during conversation last night with him his parents call and ask about their taxes….suffiecient to say 5 minutes before my leaving to go get bus he lets me know he has to see the tax people with his parents…ahhhhhhhhh okay i am understanding but oh my goodness…so i figure i will do things here and meet my friend inthe next week to learn the subway and then go see him…my days off are what is so bad..i work through the night and only monday and tuesday off so for him to come here is not happening…so i have to go there…ahh i am looking into getting a bank job again..i really need out of this job….the hours are so bad….
let you know what happens…gee like a movie isnt it? hahahha
warmth and LOVE
wonder if the road to LOVE ever gets to the LOVE…hahahha
ahh looking back i wasnt as silly either..just painfully shy…
and i bet you were as cute as a beautiful baby doll…
I can get lured into that trap very easily– but I try not to think about the past too much because inevitably it will crop up regret: I wish I’d done this, I wish I hadn’t done that. Like the Bon Jovi song says, “Welcome to wherever you are”; the life you have is the sum total of all your experiences, your loves and your losses, your joys and disappointments, and it who knows how it would be different if one thing changed? One turn better for you could be disastrous for many others whose lives you unknowingly affect– see The Butterfly Effect— which is why I suspect both the laws of physics and God Himself will never make time travel (at least backwards) possible… OK I’m on a tangent… anyhow, every experience in life is something to learn from. That’s what’s important.
How about if I just declare you terrific now! Oh yeah, you self-critics never believe anything nice someone says about you. Well I suppose it’s worth a shot anyway.I DECLARE KELLY IS TERRIFIC!!!
ryc: boston is where my best friend lives though for some reason i always date guys from new york and in the end the real important issue is that is where the
PUBLISHERS are to be found!!!
I subsequently concur with indigolady….you ARE terrific! I always glean something wonderful and unsuspected from your posts : ) “the wonderful debris of memory” is so thoughtful and true….I have been in that same spot you describe…on the floor with shoe boxes, scrapbooks, envelopes, photographs….the same nostalgic debris you tell about….things I wrote long ago that captured thoughts and feelings of a person that sometimes seems like a total stranger, but then again so familiar. I kept shards, trinkets, and ticket stubs…dead flowers….pins…so many tiny things so indicative of much larger frames of memory frozen in my mind. I relate so much to the thought of looking back in hopes of finding something you are looking for…..finding special things, times, and people you miss….only to figure out what you really are searching for is yourself….I’m not sure where you find the quotes that you do….but I enjoy them so much…and this one was so perfect. RYC: I loved your long comment : ) Though it wasn’t my intention to do the same…I seem to be headed in that direction,lol I hope you get to visit that church you mentioned….I would hope to find a place like that here. A place just like you said…where they truly embrace that judgement should be left to God…not us. I expressed that exact same sentiment to my husband just last night…..that has always been my thinking, but never was that more evident to me than after having seen that movie. I also share your fear about what lies beyond the next corner in regards to predators and the likes….your charges…the children are so lucky to have you to teach, to look up to, and to look out for them. I try not to let that fear run away with me….but it is always there…and I am always looking out for mine. I hope you are over your ickiness and enjoying a relaxing and well deserved spring break! We are counting the days until summer break here…we are going to have to start making plans for that commune : D !!
seems the BOSTON OFFER is still standing so i am taking it….i love Yo Yo Ma llolol but most of all my best friend is there and i cant replace that ever…
and i waited long enough being alone here…
warmth and LOVE katie
jamie cullum’s first album…pointless nostalgic