She thinks, “Hey, how did I come to this?

I dream myself a thousand times around the world,

but I can’t get out of this place” …

She feels like kicking out all the windows

and setting fire to this life. 

She could change everything about her

using colors bold and bright,

but all the colors mix together – to grey. 

And it breaks her heart …

                                — Dave Matthews Band

Amazing how a song can capture a moment, a fleeting feeling.  Unfortunately, this feeling isn’t fleeting.  It has hunkered down and kicked up its feet in the easy chair of my mind with no apparent intention of leaving.

I feel stuck.  Not miserably unhappy, not depressed, not desperate … just stuck.  I know that I have made poor choices … or actually let decisions make themselves.  Now they have to be unmade.  I know this is not what I want.  I know that after waiting all this time I deserve better. 

I miss companionship.  I miss someone actually caring about how my day went, someone who will not only ask the question but also listen to the answer.  I miss the silly rituals and traditions of a relationship.  I miss all the little things.  I miss having that person who I know is my safe place, and I miss being that safe place for someone else.  Somehow I have endured in a relationship devoid of all of this … for a year and a half.  And I find myself asking, “Why?”

I guess it’s time to start kicking out some windows …

“I’ve had a wonderful time, but this wasn’t it.” — Groucho Marx

Wow — has it been that long?  Weird to think that the last time I posted was before the world was turned upside down.  And the kids whose arrival I was anticipating are now preparing to fly the coop.  The classroom I was procrastinating over decorating now needs to be undecorated.  Amazing how time passes so quickly … and how different things can look in such a short time. 

Last weekend I cried over the upcoming departure of my eighteen babies.  I think this is one of the most difficult parts of teaching … at least in a good year.  Letting go can be so heart-wrenching.  Over the course of the year … through all the ups and downs … we have become a family.  I know they feel it too because these past couple weeks even the boys have been hugging me at the end of the day.  You know you’re cool when the boys give you hugs. 

Well, there’s nothing like procrastination to get the creative juices flowing.  I have about 80 million work-related things I could be doing right now.  But why do those when I can instead stay up until the middle of the night creating a weblog which will most likely sit lonely in the ether of cyberspace? 

So, when my 20 little banshees show up for the first day of school on Wednesday, I can tell them that although the classroom is a junkheap and I don’t have anything planned for them to do, I do have the the glorious beginnings of a weblog. 

I am not entirely sure what I am doing here, but I do hope that I may stumble upon some kindred spirits.  Are there any out there?